True Repentance

I read a post at By Common Consent about a married man with a non-member wife. They have 3 kids, 8, 10 & 12. They started attending church and the wife is interested in joining the church. He meets with the Bishop and confesses an affair 7 years ago that was short lived and he has not repeated those actions again. He has been faithful for the last 7 years. If his wife found out, it is likely that she would divorce him. Those are the salient points, more details can be read here. The post then asks what you tell him as Bishop?

My opinions have been on both sides of the issue, to tell his wife or not. The "repentance" process outlined by the church says that he needs to tell his wife. However, is this really the best thing for the family? I remember the first time I heard a similar situation. I was listening to Dr. Laura about 10 years ago or so. She had a caller who was LDS. She did not let him tell him the name of his religion but he provided enough details such as wearing garments and calling his pastor a Bishop that anyone who was LDS would have known and understood his dilemma. In this case, he had a wife who's father had been unfaithful to his mother. She had brow beaten him and showed a severe lack of trust in their relationship. Somewhat in retaliation he had an affair. He did not say how long it lasted, but intimated it was short. They had young children, but I can't remember ages or number except they were very young. He regretted it. He asked if he should confess to his leader and said that his wife would have to know because he would likely be excommunicated or other parts of the LDS repentance process that he couldn't hide from her. She had been quite clear that if he ever had an affair, she would divorce him. At the time Dr. Laura's response bothered me. She said that he was never to tell his wife or anyone else. He has young children and his first responsibility was to hold the family together for the sake of the children.

It bothered me. How could he possibly repent if he didn't follow the "process" and how could he just flat out not tell his wife. Times have changed and so have I. My understanding of repentance had deepened and so has my understanding of family life. I did not agree then, but I do now.

Preserving a family for the sake of the children is ultimately more important. As long as the couple can maintain a household where the children feel safe, then the children are better off living in a two parent home. There I go, I have just angered the liberals, but its true. I look at my own son, he benefits from having both of our influences and guidance. Ultimately, it comes down to the antithesis of what caused the affair. You have to be unselfish. Put your own need for absolving guilt away because you need to do something for your kids. It is a no brainer.

Will this work in every situation. No. There are some situations where children are better off not having one or the other parent around. Where they are dangerous and need to be supervised. However, here are two men that regret their actions, one who has proven his faithfulness for 7 years. Look at his situation. At the time, his wife would have just had their third child so they had 3 children under the age of 4. They were probably overworked, underpaid and he needed something. Through his affair, he learned that he really loved his wife and he turned his horrid mistake into positive action. I can't excuse the mistake. It was horribly wrong and quite clearly what the church considers the sin next to murder. For good reason. Look at the mess it caused or could cause. There was no excuse, period! Yet he brought some good out of the situation.

Chances are neither wife was perfect and their actions contributed to their husband's bad decision. I do not blame them as it was the husbands actions and the wives are not ultimately responsible. However, they could also change to provide an more loving environment where a husband doesn't feel a need to seek elsewhere. Men are really simple creatures. We just want to be loved. With all the bravado and bread winning, men need the comfort and security a good woman can provide. They need to feel safe and like they are doing a good job. Some counselling in both situations would be warranted. They should work on improving their relationship.

Like I said in one of my comments to the original blog post. Often we get too caught up in the how to's of repentance. We look at the actions we need to accomplish to be considered absolved of sin by the church. However, we often, very often, very very, often (made my point yet) miss the true point of repentance. That is to change. The word means change. The first man had demonstrated change and had shown his commitment for 7 years. The second had the chance to show change over time. The church process is meant to facilitate change. We must not forget that. If that change has taken place or comes by other means, what is the purpose in putting someone through that process. The process does not save them, their commitment to the Saviour and willingness to change does. As Jesus said to the adulteress, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." - John 8:11